Last April, pigs flew. I boarded a cruise ship with my 74-year-old father. Let me rephrase that: I, who am terrified of boats and get seasick at the sight of water, went on an eight-day excursion from Barcelona to Monaco with a born-again, gun-collecting Tea Partier who [despite getting his uvula removed] snores like a drunken sow. And we shared a room.
[Ed Note: Seriously, do you know how many people die on cruises? The 2011 Costa Concordia disaster aside, every year during cruise season there’s like a story once a week about someone “accidentally” or drunkenly falling overboard – and don’t even get me started on the Norovirus… or the suicide rate of someone who has sat through one too many floorshows].
But then I was offered a cabin with a balcony (so I could always jump if need be) on the Azamara Cruise from Barcelona to Monaco. And before the Ambien I’d taken the night before could wear off, I was on the phone asking Daddy to go with me. When she found out, my older sister said what everyone else was thinking: “Have you lost your damn mind?”
BUT. Not only did the experience change our relationship for the better, we now have plans to do it once a year. And so, because I now think everyone should bond with their parents on a trip, I offer you some tips for how to travel with a parent:
1. Take a cruise – it’s all inclusive, cuts down on stress of where to stay/hang your clothes, has free booze (see number two), and fun fact: geriatrics LOVE cruises! I don’t get it either, but I think when you turn 70, some switch goes off in your brain and you become a sea farer.
2. Drink liberally.
3. Eat well. Preferably off the boat and away from sneeze guards.
4. If sharing a room – split the beds and GET SOME EARPLUGS TO BLOCK OUT THE CACOPHONOUS SNORING. The supersonic kind. Sleeping pills always help as well. You can’t hear what you don’t remember.
5. Get off the boat as much as possible during the day and take advantage of every single tour.
6. Make sure everyone is properly dressed for the excursion…
7. Spend some alone time in scenic places for pictures to remember (Daddy loves to reminisce – even if it was about yesterday. It makes him happy).
8. Stay by their side – Daddy kept tripping over those darned European cobblestone streets, but it made him feel a heck of a lot better when I was there to catch him.
8. Partake in all activities, especially ones that involve drinking and quaint little towns.
9. Come to appreciate and love the Power of a Nap.
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