Deep Thoughts: How To Travel Anywhere And Not Get Killed or Maimed.

I love a bodyguard

Yes, I know how to work that.

I’ve been known to travel to  places that some people [ed note: 99 percent] think are dodgy. I went to Iraq in 2011, was at the Essakane Music Festival outside of Timbuktu in 2013 (in my defense, Bono was there too), and hung out with a few “former” cocaine dealers in Colombia.

At this point my family has given up. Daddy (a right-wing, born again Tea Partier), now just shrugs and says, “God Bless and Hallelujah – I’ll call the prayer group.” Mom (a left-wing liberal Jew) just says, “Ah shit. Fine. Whatever.”
Over the years, I have developed a system that works for me in almost every country. Oddly enough, I’ve found people should be even more vigilant in “normal” places, because your guard is down – you just expect everything to be super fine and fun and cool – whereas in say, Cairo or Kirkuk, you are vigilant.
So, I present a by-no-means-cohesive list of How To Stay Safe. Or Alternatively, Paula Froelich’s Paranoid Guide To Travel.

So, you’re saying there’s no room service?

First up, so you’re not booked into the Four Seasons:
1. Never stay in a ground floor room if you can help it. If it is a ground floor room – and that is all you can get and it’s the only hotel in town, make sure there are bars on the window.
2. Upon entering your hotel room, check all locks, bars, closets and under the bed.
3. Insist on a room with its own bathroom.
4. If checking into a not so nice place, turn off the lights in the room, shut the door and check for peep holes (it’s happened). If there is one, slowly get your mace and spray through hole before leaving (easy way to tell who has been peeping).
5. Always carry a door jam for cheaper hotel room doors.
6. Never get a hotel room with a door that enters into another room. Even if its locked. Don’t get me started on that one time in Baghdad when some psychos walked into my room from the adjacent room via a door that I had checked was locked before I went to bed. Thanks to a very heavy object and my extremely loud voice, it didn’t end well for them.

But he looked so normal last night…

Interacting with Strangers:
1. Always carry mace. Even in Ohio and Kentucky. Actually, let me amend that to especially in Ohio and Kentucky.
2. Remember – what you think as friendly (hugging, touching, etc.) is a come on in many places. Its okay to be aloof. I once sat down next to a guy in Karbala and that apparently meant I wanted to be his side piece (I, in fact, did not).
3. Try not to walk anywhere alone at night. If you feel really uncomfortable, walk in the middle of the street rather than the sidewalk. In Nicaragua I actually remember looking at a group of teenage boys blocking the sidewalk and thinking, “I’ll take my chances with the cars.”
4. Don’t share your personal information (including your hotel name or room number) with anyone you don’t know. I don’t care how hot or interesting they are.
5. If someone makes you uncomfortable – even if it’s something as silly as “I don’t like the way they hold their tea cup” – get up and walk away. Your gut is almost always right. I ignored my gut once in India in 1997 and had my shoes stolen and was locked in a room for 3 hours. True story.
6. If someone gets all up in your face, think of the rules for wild dogs: remain calm. Do not turn your back on them. Do not enter into a staring contest. Weirdly enough – maintain good posture (i don’t know why this works, it just does). It’s probably best if you say nothing at all. If you must, make it something like, “You know, you have really lovely eyes” instead of “FUCK OFF PSYCHO!” Slowly back away until you can get the heck out of there.

7. In really bad situations – if the person is really crazy, forget the above and remember my mothers rule: “Crazy People are only scared of crazier people.”

Miscellaneous:

1. Unless you’re going on that yacht in St. Barts, leave all jewels at home – except for a wedding ring. Always wear a wedding ring, it cuts down on hassles, especially in the Middle East where many times, Western women are either married, virgins or considered sluts. And I’m betting you’re not a virgin. And BTW: even if you are going on that yacht to St. Barts – leave it. Some of the richest people I know are the worst thieves.

2. Keep your eye on your bag at all times.

3. Use a credit card (and let your CC company know where you’re going), not cash. You can’t get cash back if it’s stolen/lost.

4. Limit your outings at night, both on foot and by car. If you do travel at night, stick to well-lit and well-traveled areas. Or travel with a bodyguard.

5. Never get into a vehicle that isn’t clearly marked as a licensed taxi. Another trick – take pics of the driver, his plates etc and post them online.

6. When traveling on a train, lock your compartment, if possible. Try to travel during the day, because criminals are more likely to rob passengers on night trains.

7. Know where to go if you get into trouble, whether that’s the nearest U.S. embassy, a police station or hotel.

8. Stay away from crowds. A crowd can turn into a mob in a hot second and then where will you be? Trampled, that’s where!

9. Use an iphone instead of a map.

10. Take other people’s religion as seriously as they do. which means, if they want you to cover your hair, cover your hair. And remember: in some parts of the world a clavicle bone is pay per view and cleavage is the money shot. Cover up.

If you have any other suggestions please let me know in the comments below…

18 thoughts on “Deep Thoughts: How To Travel Anywhere And Not Get Killed or Maimed.

  1. GREAT tips!! Yes……when in (Argentina) a foreign country, always have small local bills/change for the taxi driver–as they will probably not “have change” for larger bills…thus, THEY keep the change. Also, never accept anything to drink from anyone that you did not see come from a sealed bottle (a tip from a friend in Spain). One more? A friend who stayed in a great resort in the DR just happened to flip his pillow over before getting into bed, and underneath was an enormous, hairy spider. He was on a tobacco plantation, lots of wild life.

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    • YES! my pals ken friedman and april bloomfield opened up Tosca (http://toscacafesf.com/) – it rocks and theres good picking for dudes…. find a stool at the bar and dangle those legs, babe! Also – tinder in SF is pretty good (for meeting guys) – and dont forget: fashion there is still a little… off. so dress for NYC and do your make up – you’ll be fine.

  6. On traveling to SF, be extra careful crossing the street- people get hit by cars daily, thieves will swipe your phone/tab right out of your hand so be careful using it on the sidewalk, avoid the Tenderloin at night. Don’t wear Dodgers gear. ;)

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  8. Awesome, it’s so true though — I’ve done some of these unknowingly.

    Try these tips: Make it seem like you’re waiting or expecting for someone to arrive if someone trys to engage into a convo you don’t want to make. They’ll probably go away thinking you’re not alone

  9. I loved this article! I’m heading to Africa in a few weeks for a wasn’t-supposed-to-be-a-solo-trip-but-now-it-is-trip for a few months and I’ve been developing some irrational fears about…..not making it back home in one piece? This article contained some great advice- looking up door jammers right now. Also, Im from Ohio and I definitely agree about carrying mace here! Or, more generally in places that sound “safe.”

    • where in africa? And another tip: NO SHORTS. they laugh at men who wear them and women… well, not a good idea. In Mali, women would bathe topless in the river, but would never show an ankle… HAVE FUN! am so jealous… you will have a wonderful time!

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Jack Handey me with your deep thoughts here - we can philosophize together